I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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