Moan for me like Helen Keller
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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