Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
