Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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