your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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