dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
