Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
