Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
