Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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