I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
