dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
