I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
