strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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