Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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