i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
