Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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