Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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