Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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