New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
