I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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