Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
