i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
