Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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