At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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