If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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