Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
