I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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