Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
