My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
