I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
