I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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