white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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