Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
