hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
