Soap is not a condiment
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
