Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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