So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
