life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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