The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just invented taco cereal.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
