why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
