Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
