tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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