i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
