R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
