i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
