1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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