dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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