who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
