i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
