1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
