walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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